Now not knowing what may be ahead…hurts.

I have to say, things have completely changed from what I thought they might have turned out. As always I was scared that something unexpectedly may happen, although I was promised it never would, typically, it happened. You can never know what will happen in the future, nor do good things last forever, as they say. Things are now slightly fixing up, maybe, but I’m still worried something with somehow tear us apart. I’ve already been broken once, though via something different, but if it were to be through this…I don’t think I could live like I once did, after.

‘We need to talk’ is like the one major flashing red light warning sign, for the hysteria and pain to be prepared for those words to be said, in my view. I never thought much of it, until now. It’s amazing how it can be just so easy to lose everything that means the world to you, and sometimes it’s the other person and not you. Promises are always made to be broken, even though I kept so many and kept to them, not everyone else does as it seems.

As may have seen I won’t go right into fine detail, but there is a fine line if should be able to be understood clearly enough I suppose anyway. Having had now moved into a single room with boxes of mine everywhere, everything basically still packed, and not sure what to do let alone my work I have right now won’t even support anywhere near what I have to afford for rent, food, transportation and miscellaneous expenses. The entire time as he said that it’s basically like what we were living in, and he could support me (even though I didn’t want to, in case something happened, like this. Plus I like my own money) I knew it couldn’t be the same, it’s so much more expensive down here, and with that…it seems like he’s changed, and since he can buy basically anything he wants, could have anyone he wanted, and I feel like a vulture and depressing complainer, makes me feel insignificant. Relying on people is my pet hate, and it makes me feel mentally and physically sick when it comes down to the point where I have to. I basically have done so for the last year and it’s plain awful, as much as I appreciate the help, honestly, it just hurts when I can’t ‘get enough hours’, and have to go begging to have help.

All that seems to help the pain so far is cigarettes. I’m not sure how much longer I can hang on, and as much as things may seem it might be okay, I’m paranoid and believe that it’s probably not going to be okay at all - period.

C! x